Psalm 127:2 “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.”
And I must also admit that I was not able to handle the disagreements very well due to burn out and my own inner child wounds. Two wounded souls enmeshed with each other succumbed to pressure and forgiving ourselves and seeing the rest of humanity from the lenses of a daughter who mothered her mother and now is mothering her own inner child, I would like to start a new blog chronicling my own self healing.
Here is a summary of our journey from 2009 to 2016:
A summary of incidents prior to her death
Last June 2016, I took a sabbatical from work due to burn out – which was met with much resistance from my mother and the rest of my family (father and brother) My intention was to live in a farm for 6 months on my 3 months salary (low cost as possible) — so that I could take a 40 day juice fast with my mother, while home schooling my mother and working in the farm. And then hopefully, live on raw food for 5 months. It just happened that there were some personal issues that I also have to deal with at the same time, which should have not affected my mother — but it did anyway.
August 2016, my brother took control of her care and brought her to UST Hospital for an MRI. She have been going through eye specialists for sometime – the diagnosis was early stage catarata. The MRI showed a growth under her nose, which went under her eye and to her forehead. A biopsy confirmed that it is a another primary cancer. What does it mean by another primary cancer? It means its a new cancer– its not a mestatasis of her original breast cancer.
As preparation for surgery, she was sent for battery of tests, including a chest xray, which shows “growths on her lungs” – which is a sign that her breast cancer had mestastasised to her lungs (a natural progression of breast cancer). Didnt I say, that there is no cure yet for cancer? The only difference is how fast it could progress or mestasise if not managed properly. It is also a well know fact that the most common “exit point” or cause of death for patients with breast – lung cancer, is pneumonia due to lowered immune system. My mother actually survived pneumonia — we used a special kind of oil to manage this, but her lungs gave up on 9th November 2016.
Could we have prevented this early death? Could we have prolonged her life if we have managed our disagreements better? I guess we could have. But its too late to talk about could have beens and should have beens. We just have to learn from the experience and learn how to be better at handling relationships with or without disagreements in the future. Learn how to heal our own inner wounds so that we can better love ourselves and then others.
Grief and bereavement apparently hits us in different ways. Mine is a bit different from others — and to be consistent with the honesty of this blog.. my grief is coupled with relief. Relief that finally my mother and I are now FREE from each other and that she is no longer suffering and not in pain. Grief because we learned a part of ourselves also have died with the passing of our love ones. Anger and resentment because we are still alive to deal with the unresolved conflicts and pains of our past. Bitterness because we cant seemt to find a way out of this anger and resentment without blaming others.
Fear of still being trapped in this web of pain and suffering. Fear that maybe she was right all along — that I cannot survive without her. That there is no one else who can love me the way she loved me. That only a mother – could tolerate me. Fear that I am not a good parent to my daughter — that I will be destroying her life because am not ” as perfect” as my mother. But with that fear comes with a sense of elation of finally being free to live my own life and prove to myself that I too can survive and be a good mother to my child in my own imperfect way. That I could be loved JUST AS I AM. That I do not have to change myself to be loved. All I have to do is believe that I am lovable just the way I am.
And perhaps my advocacy for Breast Cancer Prevention — begins where my mother’s life ends.. There is no better cure than PREVENTION. Once you have cancer, its just a matter of time. I have to accept my own limitations and pat myself in the shoulder for doing the things I have done for 7 years for my mother — and then forgive myself for the things I have not done for the last 4 months and for the things I have done to stand up for myself.
If you are interested to follow my self journey to inner healing, please email me at email@example.com .
In order to heal, healing must be more important
than having control over others or over the outcome of things.
* * * * *
In order to heal, healing must more important
than feeling safe from abandonment, rejection, failure.
* * * * *
In order to heal, healing must be more important
than whether or not you are controlled by others.
* * * * *
In order to heal, healing must be more important than money.
* * * * *
In order to heal, being a loving human being
must be your whole purpose for being
and you must be willing to do whatever it takes to get there.
* * * * *
Willingness, therefore, is the first step.
Please help us reach out to as many women as possible who already have breast cancer or have family members who have breast cancer. Every year millions of children are orphaned prematurely, through this blog we aim to share how my mother managed to survive for 7 years through holistic lifestyle mdification. We just need help in covering part of the cost of the documentary. As an advocate for my mother the past 7 years, this is the best I can do to help other advocates to help their family members through this cancer journey.
All we need is $750 USD for rebranding the blog and $1,200 for simple video recording and editing gear. Through this, you will not just be helping us but also thousands if not million lives that we aim to reach out to.
Clink the link below for more details
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The traffic to this site have been booming the last 2 years despite the lack of organization and new posts!
Good News! I will be on 3 Month work sabbatical from July – September 2016.
I will be doing the 40 day Breuss juice fast, the way Nanay did it and will document it with a daily vlog while writing a book about my experience and nanay’s experience 7 years ago.
Our youtube channel is still nanaymiriam! watch out for easy to digest contents!
Nanay have been giving away moringa cuttings and seedlings for a while now< and she have tended the plants and entertained calls and queries as and when she can manage it on top of everything else that needs to be done during the day> eg cook< clean wash laundry and also take care of my daughter> we have come to a point that we thought we should hire a maid so that nanay can do the things she love> besides she is already 64 years old now> in order to afford hiring a maid we have to make both ends meet and have extra money to pay the maid>> so we thought since there is a need for local source of moringa plant and moringa powder__ why don”t we start a micro farm>>> an urban farm with moringa as a cash crop>> nanay cant do it all< most of all we wanted to make this as a gift a realization of a dream> she have dreamed of a vegetable garden all her life>> but we just have to be realistic and just probably have to start with a cash crop for now in order to make this sustainable> our cash crop would of course be the moringa__ this way we can satisfy the needs of our local readers and followers and perhaps even reach a wider market>>>
this is our vision:
photo is from edible garden city their vision of an edible garden city is our vision and dream too
If you give $5 sgd, you will be rewarded with 5 moringa seeds (when the tree matures, bears fruit or pods) or you will get a branch/cutting or 3 bunches of moringa leaves (the type you can buy from the store) or a package of moringa tea
If you give $10 sgd, you will get a 10 week old seedling or a 10 week old plant grown from cuttings
If you give $35 sgd, you will get a fully mature plant which you can harvest from ( its usually a 3 -5 month old plant) or 1 kg of moringa powder
If you give $50 sgd, you can get rewards a, b and c
If you give $ 300 sgd, you can get rewards a, b and c plus unlimited support (via email and phone calls on how to tend your moringa plant until you become a full pledged moringa urban farmer yourself)
how do you want to be rewarded if you help us raise funds for our moringa urban farm?