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Dealing with Unresolved Conflicts

June 30, 2011

One of the reasons why I am trying to understand myself better, including my not so good behaviors, is because am making sure that I am pleasant to be around, as it is part of my mother’s healing and probably a form of disease prevention for my father and my daughter.

Our holistic dentist validated my instincts, that Nanay’s unresolved conflict is part of the cause of her breast cancer (right breast). However, when she told me that the growth on the left breast (which has already been controlled), could have been caused by an unresolved conflict with a woman who is very close to her, and that I believe is either me or my daughter. At first, I was like, how can that be, I am the one supporting her through out all this, how can she be in conflict with me? Zarah is just a child- how can she be in conflict with Zarah? Nanay can not believe it either. However, after muling over it– she told me that she still cannot get over the fact that I am a single mother and that Zarah is not growing up with her father. That I have had failed and wrong relationships in the past. I told her to try not to be attached to me emotionally– that I am trying to heal emotionally as well– and for the mean time– she have to detach herself from me emotionally and find her own happiness and do not base her happines on my happiness. Easy to say right? I know because I am a mother now, too. Right now, its the emotionally blind leading the blind (either way). I probably have to be the one to take action first. Or we will both be walking to a cliff and no one will be able to rescue us, because its a place that is very private to us– which no one will ever know.

Read CT Chang’s blog entry here

Breast (right) = conflict with partner
(my mother had perpetual conflict with my father– hence she was diagnosed with breast cancer)
(someone I know have diseases of the kidney and the lungs and based on my understanding of him, it seems he suits the personality described below)
Kidney – not wanting to live
Lungs -Fear of Dying or Suffocation, including Fear for Someone Else

Gall bladder – rivalry conflict
(I have had frequent rivalry conflict with my brother and gall bladder attacks too)

Intestines – indigestible chunks of anger
(both of us have intestinal problems)

The same pattern was repeated to me by our holistic dentist.. I was quite skeptic about this at first but after seeing some patterns, I do believe that this is not just mumbo jumbo but there is really some correlation between our emotions and our diseases… can it also be possible that our emotions are also tied to our spirituality?

Is it then reasonable to deal with our spiritual side and our emotions and resolve these unresolved conflicts once and for all?

The way I have resolved some of the conflicts I have faced in the past is this–

1. resolve my conflicts with God first (re-establish my relationship with Him through meditation (settling myself and being ready for a conversation), adoration (just praising Him– notice that in even human conversation, we start with pleasantries first– like How are you today? You look good today. Your dress looks good on you–and it makes all the difference. I believe if we want to have a conversation with God, we also have to start with such pleasantries– like How are you today, Lord? Are you happy? Thanks for the rain today– it washes everything around me and refreshes my soul. You have been good to me– you are an amazing Creator. I also have noticed that if I have a known sin, it is even harder to talk to Him.. but trusting that He love me unconditionaly, I still try my best to make that conversation (notice that if we have committed a mistake with a love one— this is not so easy to do) and possibly ask for forgiveness. Then I pause and ask Him what is your message for me Lord? and then open the Bible and read His message for me (in that way it becomes a two way conversation). Then I write His message (Bible verse or chapter) in a notebook– even if I cannot understand its impact in my life and once I understood I try to obey the action items attached to it. There is usually peace that comes with obeying the action items that is attached to a message from God.

2. then I try to make that conversation with the person I am conflict with. Following almost the same formula as in number 1. Most of the time these conversations with a relative fails– and it takes me some time to recover– but that does not mean I would not keep trying. However, when the conflict is with an office colleague, it seems it is easier to do. Maybe, its because both parties are trying their best to put their best foot forward, as there is something material that is at stake with an unresolved conflict in the corporate world. It can cost us our job and our reputation. But with relatives, it seems its ok not to be ok, or to be ourselves (including the bad behaviors), we know that they cannot fire us as a niece, daughter or mother. They are our relatives forever.

I do acknowledge though, that resolving these conflicts with my relatives is more for my benefit and will indirectly benefit my mother too. But is really quite hard. Hard to the point that I cannot even make myself pray to God…it does not change or diminish my faith in God and my intention to obey Him.. am just saying that it is hard… and yes, I have been “escaping an intimate conversation” with God for the past few weeks because of this.
Suffice it to say, that at this point- I am not at peace with God, not at peace with a few relatives and not at peace with myself. But, I commit myself to understanding myself better (in terms of how God sees me, first and foremost— and then how the rest of the world sees me– and then find out how I can seek for help— as I know I cannot do this alone). For now… its just seeking and hoping for that possibility.

The realization that I cannot change on my own, that there might be a possibility that I have Asperger’s syndrome– make me realize that I am part of a whole– it humbles me as this is one of the things that are beyond my control. That realization –to me — is a blessing– so that I will stop going in circles– fixing everything myself and not going anywhere.

So, yeah- I tag this as a blessing. The action items as an opportunity to receive more blessings and/or be a channel of blessings to others.

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