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This is it! I think I have to own up to my shortcomings

July 26, 2011

For a while now, I have been hiding inside my hole. Trying to lick my own wounds and hoping that my frustration with humanity will just go away, avoiding everyone except my family and my colleagues in the office. Not even going to Church for 6 weeks now. There are lots of things that need to be said and done, but I decided to step back and “rest”.

How did it come to this point? Well, for starters, I always see myself as a porcupine. I have spikes (a dominant person). But inside, I am soft as a marshmallow. I use my spikes to protect myself, but somehow those that I love, those who are very close to me are the ones getting hurth. I thought, if I am “the problem”, might as well just remove myself from the circulation, to prevent myself from hurting others. I thought, if I will have to remove my spikes, I will be vulnerable, will be easily hurt. Tried to remove my spikes, but it left me bleeding. And in the end I have to re-grow my spikes through a different form of dominance– passive aggression. I shut the whole world out. I asked myself, if I will remove my spikes, will I still be called a porcupine? Was I designed to be a porcupine? Is this really what God has planned for me? How is it possible that my strenghts are also my own weakness?

But now I came to a point, wherein I saw that my friends are hurting too, nevertheless (the more I turn away), that I am becoming selfish in turning away, that I am missing the blessings of faith and fellowship and that probably I am also withholding my share in that pot of blessings. My friends need me too.

3 of my closest friends visited me in the last few days (on 2 separate occassions). And through them I have seen God’s love and His patience. All they did is to show me how God loves me. How can you turn away from a God like that? How can you keep your mouth closed for friends like that? Somebody’s gotta give.

What I realized:
1. am not the only one who is hurting and is frustrated by the way things are going
2. the problem does not go away when you escape
3. I cannot hide the fact that I am a dominant person and controlling it does not make me a non-dominant person.. in fact am still exerting my dominant nature true passive aggression. God made me a dominant and influential person, I can easily influence people to do good and also do bad things.
4. I have to change first! so that I can help my hurting friends.
(e.g. stop the habit of being late in all appointments)
5. Turning away from close friends is a sign of depression and depression can be caused by chemical imbalances in the body. If you think that its useless to preach to a drunk alcoholic or a busted drug addict, then it is highly possible that it is useless to preach to depressed person– because a depressed person can he high on toxins , in the same way that drug addicts & alcoholics are high with drugs and alcohol (toxins). What I realized is that Satan, can also use these toxins as a strategy to disable us. When I was younger, I can use my dominant nature in the most positive way. I am never depressed. But now, my dominant nature is turning me to my own worst enemy. So, if you are depressed! FAST! and detoxify! now that I have detoxifid, what keeps me from going back, is of course fear, trepidation and pride (devil’s tricks!). I have this feeling, that once they start seeing me in church, the members, will start talking behind my back or worse, attack me and say– you have been a disobedient – backsliding Christian! Repent and roll in ashes! (OK That’s an exaggeration– but you see my point!).

See, there is a balance in being who I am and also changing those habits that does not edify others and does not glorify God and also acknowledging that the physical body deteriorates and with it comes emotional turmoil which then also makes us spiritually low. If I can use my dominant personality into good use (edification and glorification) then all is well, but if the dominant nature is used in the wrong scenarios– it will of course backfire, I also bring others down.

6. Sometimes just listening is good, but sometimes we all have to start correcting each other in order for us to break out of the vicious cycle. Though correction has to be done with a lot of prayers and preparation of the heart and mind, with the intent of correcting out of love not out of spite… a form of good works through TOUGH LOVE. There is a risk of conflict and certain inconveniences and also the risk of making myself vulnerable because I also have to own up for my own shortcomings and to stand firm that I am going to work on my own shortcomings, whether or not they agree to work on their own shortcomings. All that needs to be done is for the truth to be told.

6. Most of all, God is not glorified and I know He is not happy with me hiding behind my covers (which could be an autistic tendency or a convenient excuse). But I do agree, that I probably need help and that my friends need help. How am getting help and what kind of help? I dont know, I just know that I need help and first I have to acknowledge my short comings.

I knelt to pray when work was done and prayed, “O God, bless everyone… Lift from each burdened heart the pain and let the sick be well again.” … And then I woke another day and carelessly went on my way… And all day long I did not try to wipe the tear from any eye… I did not try to bear the load of any brother on the road… I did not even go to see the sick man just next door to me. And then again when day was done, I prayed, “O God, bless everyone” … And as I prayed into my ear there came a voice which whispered clear … “Whom have you tried to bless today? Pause, hypocrite, before you pray … God’s richest blessings always go by hands that serve Him, here below.” … And then I hid my face and cried, “Forgive me, Lord, for I have lied… Let me but see another day, for I would live the way I pray.”

Tough love is when you help someone to see himself/herself how God sees him/her (including weaknesses, unknown sins) and how God mets out punishment and also dispenses grace at the same time. it is also important for Jesus followers to know who the real enemy is– the devil himself. The only way we can outwith the devil’s tricks is to be true and honest to each other and to truly love one another the way God loves us.

Zech:8 Do not fear! These are the things which you should do: speak the truth to one another; judge with truth and judgment for peace in your gates. Also let none of you devise evil in your heart against another, and do not love perjury; for all these are what I hate,’ declares the Lord.”

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Carol permalink
    July 28, 2011 7:22 am

    You are a gifted with knowledge, all you need to do is apply what God has given you to bring back the glory to Him. Get up and be back to the ministry where God has called you and minister. Be amazed at how the Lord will fix your life while you are ministering to others.

    You will find life’s meaning when you serve others and ultimately the Lord.

    Best regards,

    Ate Carol

  2. July 28, 2011 9:20 am

    Hi Ate Carol,

    At this point, it is not really clear to me that that is where God is calling me… I cannot commit to anything yet. I have realized that a woman’s ministry is always in the home. We can influence our congregation by taking care of our ministry at home… there is no other more meaningful ministry than a mother to be a mother, a wife to be a wife, a sister to be a sister and a daughter to be a daughter. We have too many women OFWs already, our homes are lacking mothers/sisters/daughters. This is the ministry that all of us women have to choose individually— and leaders must lead by influence (Showing them how to do it), not by authority.

    You have done well in making the first step, I have to make mine. I guess I only have to be clear and communicate my decision to step down in a proper manner..we can always bless people even without a title or our own ministry. We have too many leaders but we do not have servants. I am willing to serve.


    • SeaShells permalink
      May 27, 2014 1:19 pm

      Try reading a book “Dying to be me” by Anito Moorjami. She decribed that she got cancer is because of “fear”. Of constantlt having to live up to other people’s standard and etc.

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