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November 24, 2016
nanayfarm

Pic taken last July 2016 at the “farm” somewhere in Northern Philippines (this was before we started soil preparation ). This is the image of her that I wanted to keep in my head that she is happy that I have started living my dreams. Rest well Nanay! Rest in Peace! I will see you again in God’s perfect time.

My mother Nanay Miriam Francisco fought valiantly against cancer — most women with the same diagnosis did not survive the 2 year mark. But she survived for 7 years. As an advocate of holistic theraphies, we have succeeded in almost all areas, except for SLEEP and RELATIONSHIPS. My mother have deep seated inner child wounds that only came to surface when we had the first and major disagreement that lasted for months and that culminated to her death this year.. As a way of showing her disagreement with me — she stopped doing any of the holistic protocols in this blog.

Psalm 127:2 “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.”
And I must also admit that I was not able to handle the disagreements very well due to burn out and my own inner child wounds. Two wounded souls enmeshed with each other succumbed to pressure and forgiving ourselves and seeing the rest of humanity from the lenses of a daughter who mothered her mother and now is mothering her own inner child, I would like to start a new blog chronicling my own self healing.

Here is a summary of our journey from 2009 to 2016:

Diagnosis:
https://nanaymiriam.wordpress.com/category/diagnosis/page/4/

Remission:
https://nanaymiriam.wordpress.com/remission/

Treatments:
https://nanaymiriam.wordpress.com/treatment/

Diet:
https://nanaymiriam.wordpress.com/diet/

Environment:
https://nanaymiriam.wordpress.com/environment/

Unresolved Conflicts:
https://nanaymiriam.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/dealing-with-unresolved-conflicts/

A summary of incidents prior to her death

Last June 2016, I took a sabbatical from work due to burn out – which was met with much resistance from my mother and the rest of my family (father and brother) My intention was to live in a farm for 6 months on my 3 months salary (low cost as possible) — so that I could take a 40 day juice fast with my mother, while home schooling my mother and working in the farm. And then hopefully, live on raw food for 5 months. It just happened that there were some personal issues that I also have to deal with at the same time, which should have not affected my mother — but it did anyway.

August 2016, my brother took control of her care and brought her to UST Hospital for an MRI. She have been going through eye specialists for sometime – the diagnosis was early stage catarata. The MRI showed a growth under her nose, which went under her eye and to her forehead. A biopsy confirmed that it is a another primary cancer. What does it mean by another primary cancer? It means its a new cancer– its not a mestatasis of her original breast cancer.

As preparation for surgery, she was sent for battery of tests, including a chest xray, which shows “growths on her lungs” – which is a sign that her breast cancer had mestastasised to her lungs (a natural progression of breast cancer). Didnt I say, that there is no cure yet for cancer? The only difference is how fast it could progress or mestasise if not managed properly. It is also a well know fact that the most common “exit point” or cause of death for patients with breast – lung cancer, is pneumonia due to lowered immune system. My mother actually survived pneumonia — we used a special kind of oil to manage this, but her lungs gave up on 9th November 2016.

Could we have prevented this early death? Could we have prolonged her life if we have managed our disagreements better? I guess we could have. But its too late to talk about could have beens and should have beens. We just have to learn from the experience and learn how to be better at handling relationships with or without disagreements in the future. Learn how to heal our own inner wounds so that we can better love ourselves and then others.

Grief and bereavement apparently hits us in different ways. Mine is a bit different from others — and to be consistent with the honesty of this blog.. my grief is coupled with relief. Relief that finally my mother and I are now FREE from each other and that she is no longer suffering and not in pain. Grief because we learned a part of ourselves also have died with the passing of our love ones. Anger and resentment because we are still alive to deal with the unresolved conflicts and pains of our past. Bitterness because we cant seemt to find a way out of this anger and resentment without blaming others.

Fear of still being trapped in this web of pain and suffering. Fear that maybe she was right all along — that I cannot survive without her. That there is no one else who can love me the way she loved me. That only a mother – could tolerate me. Fear that I am not a good parent to my daughter — that I will be destroying her life because am not ” as perfect” as my mother. But with that fear comes with a sense of elation of finally being free to live my own life and prove to myself that I too can survive and be a good mother to my child in my own imperfect way. That I could be loved JUST AS I AM. That I do not have to change myself to be loved. All I have to do is believe that I am lovable just the way I am.

And perhaps my advocacy for Breast Cancer Prevention — begins where my mother’s life ends.. There is no better cure than PREVENTION. Once you have cancer, its just a matter of time. I have to accept my own limitations and pat myself in the shoulder for doing the things I have done for 7 years for my mother — and then forgive myself for the things I have not done for the last 4 months and for the things I have done to stand up for myself.

If you are interested to follow my self journey to inner healing, please email me at nanay@live.com.sg

In order to heal, healing must be more important
than having control over others or over the outcome of things.
* * * * *
In order to heal, healing must more important
than feeling safe from abandonment, rejection, failure.
* * * * *
In order to heal, healing must be more important
than whether or not you are controlled by others.
* * * * *
In order to heal, healing must be more important than money.
* * * * *
In order to heal, being a loving human being
must be your whole purpose for being
and you must be willing to do whatever it takes to get there.
* * * * *
Willingness, therefore, is the first step.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. well wisher permalink
    November 24, 2016 3:21 pm

    Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please read the books by Louise L Hay ‘You can heal your life’, “life loves you” and “The power is within you”. I pray that you get peace.

  2. Anthony Busuttil permalink
    December 3, 2016 9:03 pm

    Dear Lanie,

    So sorry to hear the news of Mum passing away. She was very fortunate to have such a loving daughter to look after her, and to prolong her life here on earth.

    Laine do not be so hard on yourself. You are not a qualified doctor, yet the Good Lord gave you the wisdom to seek alternative cures for Mom. And I am glad to read all of your natural healing articles from time to time. And she lasted longer than if she was under the care of a normal doctor.

    My 35 year old son passed away from pancreatic cancer 8 years ago. Back then we relied on the “expert” doctors advise…..we did not know any better.

    Today I know better. Wish I knew then what I know now.

    May I encourage you by what an African christian lady told me when my son passed away. She told me that “God wanted my son more than I wanted him “.

    Lanie, I believe that God wanted your Mom more than you wanted her. We are all appointed a time to die. Maybe there is a release in this for your future and your lovely daughter.

    Lanie, I am speaking from my heart. Please do not be hard on yourself……..you have done so well….and much much more looking after Mom. I am sure there are many crowns waiting for you when your time has come.

    God is good all the time.

    Best regards,

    Tony.

    On Thu, Nov 24, 2016 at 1:55 PM, Nanay Miriam’s “re-MISSION” wrote:

    > (ND)nanaysdaughter posted: “My mother Nanay Miriam Francisco fought > valiantly against cancer — most women with the same diagnosis did not > survive the 2 year mark. But she survived for 5 years. As an advocate of > holistic theraphies, we have succeeded in almost all areas, except for ” >

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